It’s Rodeo Week at work (can I get a tepid “woo hoo”?), so I get to wear jeans all week. I actually dug out a pair of blue jeans that I haven’t worn in maybe a year. On Tuesday, I stuck my hand in the pocket and found an old fortune cookie fortune. The baked good had a remarkable talent for pithy wordplay: “Don’t lose sight of what you want.”
This came at an interesting time for me. Now, I don’t believe in fate anymore than I believe in “signs.” I do believe that your mind makes connections to things or deems certain things significant in a way that can highlight what it is you truly want. I have spent the last few weeks, while happy, pondering my existence. I feel fulfilled with my life right now, but I don’t think I can maintain this long-term. More or less, the job with the City is great right now, but if I was still here in twenty, nay ten, nay five years, I would have to seriously get in a good cry. It’s a great day job, yet, like Taryn said once, to settle into this would simply be not living up to my potential. I know that this is not what I always dreamed of doing, and in my younger days, I dreamed pretty damn big. I still occassionally write my first-female-Best-Director Oscar speech in my head.
I’ve come down to earth a bit, and realized that if I can simply eke out a living working in the arts, I will be blissfully thrilled. The only way I can do this, I realized, was to lose the day job. The day job is pretty comfortable, but if I’m not stressing about how I’m going to pay my rent, I’m not going to care. I’m not going to push myself. It’s a Catch-22. I like being comfortable, knowing what my annual income will be, but I’m restless with that kind of security. It’s a horrible dichotomy that I can’t compromise.
Then, Tuesday afternoon, I got a call from Alyson Drysdale, the co-ordinator of the Film Arts program at Langara. Not only did I get into the program for January, but she said (and I paraphrase), “we normally like to wait awhile before we make a decision on an applicant, but when an application comes in as good as yours, we like to make a decision right away.” My head swelled immensely. She kept going! There were several other lovely things she said, and I was skipping around the room ridiculously, in a state of disbelief, like I has just wandered into the waterfall room at Wonka’s factory. I spent my undergrad years in a perpetual state of “omigod-what-the-hell-am-I-doing-here-everyone-else-is-so-much-smarter-than-me.” It’s nice to feel… confident.
This also made the work situation fall spectacularly into perspective. Fuck this job, man, I’m outta here in January! It feels good, like my future is far from secure, but at least I FINALLY (and I emphasize FINALLY) feel like I’m on the path I’ve been always wanted to be on. I don’t know how far this path goes, but I’m going to enjoy the journey, which is really the point after all, isn’t it?