a badly timed april fools’ joke.

SPOILER ALERT

First of all, Willem Dafoe was killed off in the first one, so what the hell are you playing at?

I’ve seen Boondock Saints once. I liked it. My sister is obsessed with it. She does, of course, harbour weird and twisted deep feelings for Willem Dafoe, so I’ve generally come to question her taste on most things. Awesome actor? Yes. Would I kick him out of bed for eating crackers? Hell yes, I would. Who the hell eats crackers in bed anyway? My god. That’s what kitchen tables are for. Anyway, it was a good movie, typical of all those post-Tarantino gangster/vigilante type movies the late 1990s were rife with, but a good one at least.

And now we have another stellar entry on the list of Completely Unnecessary Sequels, in the “Subtitles Cheesier than Softcore Porn” category: sandwiched between Cinderella II: Dreams Come True and Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls. It ranks higher on this list than Ace Ventura because at least Ace Ventura taught my childhood self what guano was, and ranks lower than Cinderella, because how do you make a shitty straight-to-video sequel for a story that’s been around since 900 AD? “Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day” sounds like just that, a straight-to-video crapfest that you would imagine starred Steven Segal and was filmed in somewhere like Calgary. If this press release came out on April 1, I would have totally thought it was a joke.

Guess who joined the cast? Surely as an attempted replacement for Willem Dafoe…. Judd Nelson. That’s right. I’m sure you just said, “The guy from The Breakfast Club?” I said that. So did my sister when I told her. I feel kinda bad ripping into this film when I haven’t even seen it. For all I know it could be freaking awesome. A total mastubatory gigglefest. Perhaps they should have hired a more original marketing team, however. When this is the best poster you can get…

Boondock Saints II: All Saint's Day

… and I didn’t hear about this film until September 2009, and it’s been in production since early 2008… that’s a problem. I just don’t understand this need to create unprovoked sequels. Sure they make a little money, but let’s be honest, the films that have formed full franchises that actually work are far and few between (e.g. Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Star Wars – the original trilogy at least, James Bond – well, some of them? Okay, so maybe very, very, very few actually work). In my perspective, these sequels work because when the first film was produced, the wider story had already been conceived. The story was already more than one film. It’s just when the proverbial “they” take a stand-alone story and try to shoehorn in a sequel; it’s tacked-on and it’s obvious. 

What about you? Are you excited for this, or dreading it? Are there any other sequels that make you cringe as though you just downed your fifth shot of tequila only to find out that you also just swallowed the worm?

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